The Four Horsemen will end your relationship
Often when working with individuals, couples, and polycules in relationship therapy, we first start with helping our clients identify habits and patterns that have a negative hit on their relationship. In relationships, four habits can cause a lot of damage. If you can identify these patterns and steer clear of them, your relationship will be better off for it. Today, we're going to talk about what they are and how to avoid them.
In 1986 John Gottman designed "The Love Lab," where he could observe couples "in their natural habitat," as it were. Through this study and continued research with thousands of couples, John and Sue Gottman discovered four reliable predictors for divorce. Those predictors are known as "The Four Horsemen" or "Foursemen" if you're short on time. Let's take a look at them in detail:
1. Criticism is when you make a critical statement of your partner's character or actions. It usually starts with "you" and involves some absolute like "always" or "never." For example, "You always leave your clothes lying around" or "You're so lazy." These attacks are blanket statements that minimize the person into their "bad parts."
2. Defensiveness is when you react to criticism by trying to justify yourself or attacking your partner. For example, "I don't leave my clothes lying around" or "I'm not lazy, I work hard." Defensiveness leaves little to no room to hear and reflect on your partners' complaints.
3. Contempt is the most damaging of the four horsemen because it involves an attitude of superiority and disdain towards your partner. Contempt includes sarcasm, mocking, and name-calling. For example, "You're such an idiot" or "You're worthless." It can also be more subtly expressed, such as how a partner looks at or acknowledges their partner.
4. Stonewalling is when one partner shuts down and withdraws from the conversation in response to criticism, defensiveness, or contemptuous behavior from their partner. Stonewalling can involve turning away, crossing arms, tuning out, or giving "the silent treatment." Over time, this creates further distance and isolation within the relationship.
The Gottman's four horsemen are helpful red flags to consider when they show up in our relationship. Criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling can all challenge the steadiness of your relationship. If you see these signs in your relationship, don't panic! Instead, seek therapy if you think it could help. We hope this article has helped give you a little more insight into what might be going on in your relationship and how you can work to improve things. Thanks for reading! Don't forget to subscribe to our blog for more great content like this one.
Rouse Relational Wellness is a sex and relationship wellness center featuring sex-positive, trauma-informed therapy for individuals and relationships. We also offer couples intensives, professional consultations, and workshops. All of our services are available online and our office is located in the Castro district of San Francisco, California. If you would like to learn more about our services, please visit us here.