Beyond "Yes" or "No": Exploring the Nuances of Consent

The importance of consent in a relationship cannot be overemphasized. It is the cornerstone of interactions between partners in a relationship.

It is a crucial tool to set boundaries between partners, especially when it comes to physical and sexual activities. Without consent, partners may step on each other's toes, resulting in misunderstanding.

However, while consent is commonly defined as "yes or no" interactions between partners, it involves more than a binary response to a request. Consent is a complex agreement scheme with nuances that couples must understand for enhanced interactions.

This article aims to deepen your understanding of consent from the conventional belief of the simple "yes and no" picture to its more complex and nuanced nature.

Beyond the Binary: Understanding Consent as a Spectrum

So many people believe "no means no" in the context of consent. While this is true, it doesn't put content in the right light that portrays its complexity as a tool for making mutual decisions in a relationship.

The "yes is yes and no is no" approach to consent means that the responsibility to achieve an agreement in a relationship lies on one partner, whereas consent is a mutual agreement. It is, therefore, better to see consent as a proactive measure of what partners want and would like to experience together.

Factors That Influence Consent

For a better understanding of what consent is, it is important to note that various factors influence the subject and make it difficult to see it as a "tap yes or no" interaction. Some of these factors include:

Enthusiasm and Desire

Your partner's enthusiasm and desire for an activity are a great factor that influences their interest in consenting to be a part of it. If your partner already desires to experience an activity and you ask them if they would like to join you, their response would likely be yes.

Body Language and Nonverbal Cues

Body language plays a crucial role in every interaction. While your request is clear, your physical appearance might be a hindrance to having a positive response from your partner.

For example, if you ask your partner if they would like to engage in sexual activity with a light smile on your face, they can deduce that the activity gives you joy and hence want to consent to your request.  

Power Dynamics

Power dynamics are present everywhere, and romantic relationships are not left out. Although power dynamics in relationships are not always about dominance and submission, the roles partners play in solving a challenge influence their interactions and behaviors. Differences can influence these power dynamics in gender, gender presentation, race, class, ability, and so on.

Cultural and Social Norms

Before your partner consents to your request, they must have probably weighed it against how they engage in social norms. Does your request align with their cultural beliefs? What is the position of society on the act? If they find your request pleasing to general beliefs, you are likely to have their consent to the act.

Communication Styles

While non-verbal expressions influence consent, communication styles also have a role to play. How you communicate with your partner can determine what response they give.

For example, suppose you express yourself to your partner calmly and show concern about them. In that case, they are likely to understand you better than when you speak angrily without putting them into consideration.  

The Importance of Ongoing Consent

In the grand scheme of consent, it is not a one-time agreement. It is rather an ongoing agreement that should be renewed every step of the way. 

A partner consenting to an act today doesn't mean they want to continue with the act tomorrow. Hence, it is the duty of partners to ask each other for their consent every time they plan to engage in the same activity. 

Similarly, consenting to one activity doesn't automatically mean consenting to similar activities. If you want your partner to consent to a similar activity, endeavor to ask them if it is something they would like to engage in. 

You must continually ask your partner if they are still okay with the activity while you also provide positive feedback on activities you feel comfortable with. This will ensure each partner is willing to engage in the activity and that boundaries are not crossed. 

Putting this into perspective, if you ask your wife if you can kiss her during sex, and she consents to it, it makes sense to ask her the next time you have sex to be sure it is still what she would like to do.

Remember, different factors influence consent, and your partner might not feel the same way they felt when you first asked them about the activity. Hence, they might have revoked their consent to the activity, and you might be crossing their boundaries by not asking. 

 Practical Tips for Practicing Affirmative Consent

There are a few ways to tune your partner's response to your request to the affirmative side. Practicing these strategies recommended by couple therapy experts gives you higher chances of securing their consent:

Open and Honest Communication

When asking for your partner's consent to engage in an activity, be open and honest with them. Instead of coming up with lies that suit your request, honestly present yourself and make them understand what they will genuinely benefit from. Keep in mind that no one likes to be tricked into doing things they don't like doing.

Active Listening and Checking In

We all like being listened to and cared for, which is a great tool you can leverage to have your spouse's affirmative consent. Listen to their take and how they feel about the requested activity. When they sense you are not being selfish but also understand their feelings, they are likely to consent affirmatively.  

For example, if you only check on your partner when you want to engage in sexual activities with them, they are likely going to decline your advances.

Creating a Safe and Comfortable Environment

The environment in which an activity is to happen can influence your partner's decision to consent to the activity. If they find the environment safe and comfortable enough for the activity, they might be willing to consent.

Hence, it makes sense to choose the right environment before asking for their hands in the activity.

A relatable example is if you want your spouse, who is scared of swimming, to go with you on vacation, but the plan is full of scuba diving, they will likely not go with you. Hence, you want to choose another location for your vacation if you want them to come with you.

Recap

The concept of consent being a "yes" or "no" interaction between partners is shallow and doesn't provide the right picture of the topic.

It is important to understand consent as a complex and nuanced mutual agreement that is influenced by several factors. Body language, communication styles, and social norms play huge roles in how partners respond and behave in interactions.

This article also highlights the importance of renewing consent at every step of the way, as it can be revoked at any time.

Do you need relationship therapy or have any questions? Book a free consultation with us at Rouse Relational Wellness.

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