Distraction: A Feedback Loop
By David Torres, Registered Associate MFT
In a recent conversation with a mentor, we found ourselves exploring how smartphones may reinforce narcissistic traits in our culture. As we talked, I noted that a separate issue that gets folded in isn’t just about narcissism. It’s attention and presence. It’s the subtle, quiet way our everyday moments are shaped by where we choose to place our focus.
True narcissistic personality disorder is rare. But narcissistic traits are far more common. Traits like: Self-focus, entitlement, needing validation, and limited expressed empathy. And our digital environment doesn’t just tolerate those traits, it often rewards them. Social media encourages broadcasting over listening. Metrics quantify approval. Visibility can start to feel like self-worth.
That said, beyond social media, the smartphone itself has changed something more subtle. It allows us to leave a moment without physically leaving it. We can stand in front of someone and be somewhere else entirely. We can scroll while walking, text while someone is speaking, glance down at a notification while driving. To the outside world, that can look careless or self-absorbed and trait-like.
And yet, I don’t actually believe most people care less.
I think many of us are conditioned toward distraction. Our nervous systems have been trained to respond to novelty, alerts, and stimulation. The pull is powerful and largely unconscious. It’s been normalized in many contexts. That doesn’t mean our capacity for empathy has disappeared. It means our attention has been fragmented.
The distinction matters. Care can be felt through attention.
We experience being valued through eye contact, pauses, responsiveness, and small signals of attunement. When those signals are even briefly absent, something contracts. We may not articulate it, but we feel it. “I’m not being seen.” “I’m not important right now.” Loneliness grows not just through isolation, but through emotional absence.
Over time, this can start to feel like a cultural drift toward narcissism. But perhaps what we’re witnessing is less a collapse of morality and more an erosion of presence. When attention becomes privatized, pulled into screens and feeds, shared space thins. And when shared space thins, connection does too.
What feels grounding to me is this: I believe people are inherently good. I believe most of us want connection, meaning, and closeness.
The work isn’t about labeling others or diagnosing society. It’s about gently asking ourselves harder questions.
When I reach for my phone, what am I feeling?
Who experiences me as half-present?
Do I listen to understand, or to prepare my next sentence?
Where do I confuse visibility with value?
What happens if I stay in discomfort instead of escaping it?
Presence isn’t dramatic. It’s simple. It’s choosing to remain in the room - physically and emotionally. And those small choices shape the emotional climate around us more than we realize.
David Torres is a Registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist at Rouse Relational Wellness offering individual and couples therapy. David specializes in working with members of the LGBTQIA+ community, as well as those seeking a healthier relationship with themselves and their sexuality.