Reclaiming Pleasure: Black Women's Sexual Wellness Beyond Survival

Author's Note: As a therapist who is not Black, I write this with deep respect for the experiences of Black women. This article draws from research conducted by Black scholars, clinical insights from our diverse team at Rouse Relational Wellness, and the wisdom shared by Black women clients who have entrusted us with their stories. My intention is to elevate these voices and provide resources for healing and reclamation.

When was the last time you asked yourself: "What brings me pleasure?"

Not "What does my partner want?" or "What am I supposed to do?" or even "What should turn me on?"—but genuinely, deeply: What brings you pleasure?

For Black women, this seemingly simple question can feel revolutionary. And that's exactly the point.

From Survival Mode to Pleasure-Centered Sexuality

Here's a truth we hold at Rouse Relational Wellness: Black women have been conditioned to survive, not to thrive. To be strong, not soft. To care for everyone else before—and often instead of—themselves.

This shows up everywhere, including in your sex life.

The "Strong Black Woman" stereotype isn't just about work or family responsibilities. Research shows it directly impacts sexual wellness, with Black women who strongly endorse this schema experiencing lower sexual assertiveness and satisfaction (Perkins et al., 2022). When you've been taught that vulnerability is weakness, that expressing needs is selfish, and that your role is to be unshakeable—how do you ask for what you want in bed?

The answer for many Black women has been: you don't.

But what if we flipped the script? What if pleasure wasn't a luxury to be earned after you've taken care of everything and everyone else, but a fundamental right? What if embracing pleasure was itself an act of resistance, healing, and reclamation?

Understanding the Pleasure Gap

Let's talk about the orgasm gap—because yes, it's real, and yes, it affects Black women differently.

Research on orgasm frequency across different racial groups shows a complex picture. While some studies suggest Black women report higher orgasm frequency than white women—possibly due to better body image and partners who prioritize their pleasure—the broader context reveals significant challenges (Lehmiller, 2024). The general orgasm gap, where women experience fewer orgasms than men in heterosexual encounters, persists across all demographics. More importantly, Black women often operate within relationship dynamics shaped by unique cultural expectations and pressures.

But here's where it gets interesting: when Black women do experience sexual pleasure, they describe it in expansive, holistic terms. Research by Thorpe and colleagues (2022) found that Black women define peak sexual pleasure through:

• Mental, physical, and emotional foundations working together

• Liberation—a sense of freedom and authenticity during sex

• Mind-body-soul awareness—being fully present

• Partner interactions that prioritize mutuality

• Orgasm—but notably, this was only one component among many

This is crucial: Black women aren't just seeking physical release. They're seeking experiences that honor their full humanity.

The Strong Black Woman Trope in the Bedroom

The expectation to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient doesn't clock out when you enter the bedroom. Research consistently shows how this schema creates a painful paradox for Black women's sexuality:

Self-Silencing: Studies reveal that the Strong Black Woman ideal is associated with reduced sexual communication and pleasure-focused assertiveness (Leath et al., 2022). You might know exactly what you want, but feel unable to ask for it.

Resistance to Vulnerability: The same strength that helps you navigate a hostile world can become a barrier to the intimacy and vulnerability that great sex requires. How do you "let go" when you've been trained never to let your guard down?

Caregiving Over Self-Care: The obligation to prioritize others' needs extends into sexual relationships, where Black women may focus more on their partner's pleasure than their own. Research shows this can become an exhausting pattern rather than a reciprocal exchange (Crooks et al., 2023).

Suppressed Desires: When expressing your sexual desires feels incompatible with being "strong" and "together," many Black women simply stop expressing them altogether. One study found that self-silencing in relationships was directly linked to lower sexual satisfaction regardless of Strong Black Woman endorsement levels (Leath et al., 2022).

What Does Reclaiming Pleasure Actually Look Like?

At Rouse, we've seen Black women move from survival mode to pleasure-centered sexuality. Here's what that transformation can include:

1. Permission to Want

Start here: You are allowed to want pleasure. You are allowed to prioritize your sexual satisfaction. This isn't selfish—it's self-preservation. As one participant in recent research stated, pleasure includes "satisfaction, happiness, freedom, orgasm"—and you deserve all of it (Thorpe et al., 2022).

Try this: Complete the sentence "I want..." five times, specifically about your sexual life. Don't censor yourself. Don't think about whether it's "realistic" or what your partner would think. Just write what you want.

2. Embracing "Thick Desire"

Researchers Fine and McClelland introduced the concept of "thick desire"—which goes beyond just orgasms to include intimacy, vulnerability, emotional closeness, and satisfaction. Black women deserve this full spectrum of sexual experience, not just the "successful performance" of sex (Hargons et al., 2021).

3. Reconnecting With Your Body

Many Black women describe being disconnected from their bodies as a protective mechanism. But sexual pleasure requires presence. Consider:

• Solo exploration: Masturbation isn't just about orgasm; it's about learning what your body responds to, what feels good, what your turn-ons actually are.

• Mindfulness practices: Even five minutes of body scanning—noticing sensations without judgment—can rebuild the connection between your mind and body.

• Movement: Dance, yoga, or any embodied practice that helps you feel at home in your skin.

4. Communication as Liberation

Research on Black women's most pleasurable sexual experiences consistently highlights open communication as a key component (Hargons et al., 2024). But here's the thing: communication in this context means expressing your own needs, not just making sure everyone else is comfortable.

Practice this framework:

• "I notice I want..."

• "What feels good to me is..."

• "I need you to..."

• "Can we try..."

These aren't demands—they're invitations into reciprocal pleasure.

5. Redefine Strength

What if strength included the courage to be vulnerable? The wisdom to rest? The power to say "I want this" or "I don't want that"?

Real strength isn't about never needing anything from anyone. It's about knowing what you need and allowing yourself to receive it.

6. Find Your People

Whether it's therapy, a trusted friend, or a community of other Black women navigating similar journeys, you need people who see and celebrate your full humanity. At Rouse, our Black women clients often describe the relief of being in a space where they don't have to perform strength—where softness, desire, and vulnerability are welcomed.

Beyond the Orgasm: A Holistic View of Sexual Wellness

Here's something that might surprise you: in research on Black women's most pleasurable sexual experiences, orgasm was mentioned by only a small portion of participants (Hargons et al., 2024). Instead, they emphasized:

• Emotional intimacy: Feeling truly seen and known by their partner

• Intentionality: When their partner was fully present and attentive

• Out of the ordinary experiences: Novelty and adventure

• Physical intimacy beyond intercourse: Touch, kissing, closeness

• Mindful presence: Being fully in the moment together

This research tells us something important: Black women's sexual pleasure is expansive. It's not reducible to a checklist of physical acts or achieving orgasm. It's about the quality of connection, the freedom to be fully yourself, and the ability to experience joy in your body.

Sexual Wellness as Resistance

Here's where we return to adrienne maree brown's concept of "pleasure activism." For Black women specifically, pursuing pleasure—sexual and otherwise—is an act of resistance against systems that have historically denied Black women's humanity, autonomy, and right to joy.

Every time you:

• Ask for what you want in bed

• Prioritize your sexual satisfaction

• Set a boundary and hold it

• Experience pleasure on your terms

• Say "I deserve this"

...you're not just improving your sex life. You're dismantling the cultural programming that says Black women exist to serve, to endure, to be strong for everyone else.

You're choosing joy. You're choosing yourself. And that, in a world that often denies Black women both, is revolutionary.

Moving Forward: Your Pleasure Matters

The journey from survival to thriving, from strength to softness, from obligation to pleasure—it's not always linear. Some days, vulnerability will feel impossible. Some days, asking for what you want will bring up old fears or new discomfort.

That's okay. Healing isn't about perfection; it's about progress.

At Rouse Relational Wellness, we specialize in creating spaces where Black women can explore their sexuality without judgment, shame, or the pressure to perform strength. We work with you to:

• Unpack how cultural narratives affect your sexual expression

• Build communication skills that honor your needs

• Reconnect with your body and desires

• Navigate relationship dynamics from a place of empowerment

• Reclaim pleasure as your birthright

Your pleasure matters. Your satisfaction matters. Your joy matters. Not because you've earned it by being strong enough, by sacrificing enough, by doing enough for everyone else—but simply because you exist.

You deserve to feel good in your body. You deserve to experience sexual pleasure on your terms. You deserve "thick desire" and all its fullness.

Ready to start your journey toward pleasure-centered sexual wellness? Book a free consultation with our team. Let's talk about what reclaiming pleasure could look like for you.

References

Crooks, N., Barrie, R., Singer, R., & Donenberg, G. (2023). The role of the Strong Black Woman in Black female sexual development. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 52(4), 1389-1402. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02529-2

Hargons, C. N., Thorpe, S., Malone, N., Wright, C. J., Dogan, J. N., Mizelle, D. L., Stuck, J. L., Sullivan, Q., Sanchez, A., Bohmer, C., Stage, M., Bruther, K., Vigil, K., Cineas, M. R., & Gilbert, T. Q. (2024). Black people's constructions of good sex: Describing good sex from the margins. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 26(1), 51-67. https://doi.org/10.1080/13691058.2022.2101854

Hargons, C. N., Malone, N., Thorpe, S., et al. (2021). Relational and partner-specific factors influencing Black heterosexual women's initiation of sexual intercourse and orgasm frequency. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50, 3331-3345. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-021-02087-8

Leath, S., Jerald, M., Perkins, T., & Mims, L. (2022). The Strong, Silent (Gender) Type: The Strong Black Woman ideal, self-silencing, and sexual assertiveness in Black college women. Psychology of Women Quarterly, 46(2), 221-236. https://doi.org/10.1177/03616843211072048

Perkins, T. R., Aleibar, D., Leath, S., & Pittman, J. C. (2022). Black women's sexual assertiveness and satisfaction: The role of the Superwoman Schema. Journal of Black Psychology, 49(3-4), 420-445. https://doi.org/10.1177/00957984221147796

Thorpe, S., Malone, N., Hargons, C. N., Gray, M., Dogan, J., Mosley, D. V., Stevens-Watkins, D., & Kaslow, N. J. (2022). The peak of pleasure: US Southern Black women's definitions of and feelings toward sexual pleasure. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51, 3857-3872. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-022-02389-7